Former Miss Derry and Big Brother star Ashleigh Coyle opens up on her battle with anxiety
BIG Brother star Ashleigh Coyle has spoken openly for the first time about her battle with anxiety.
The former Miss Derry , who shot to fame when she finished runner-up on the reality TV series in 2014, has admitted how she faces a daily struggle with the illness which she describes as “absolutely draining.”
Writing in her blog, the 20-year-old says she wanted to speak out in a bid to break the stigma that still surrounds mental health.
Said Ashleigh: “I’m not your stereotypical view of a person with anxiety; I enjoy flying, I’m not afraid of confrontation, I’m a good public speaker and I love a good selfie, but put me in a room full of people that know a loved one or a group of people who are already friends, then you may as well set me up on death row. Weird, I know!”
“Anxiety isn’t about trying to choose where you’re going for a bite to eat for your one hour lunch break, quickly.
“I’m exhausted, and have been for some time and I’ve come to realise that managing my anxiety is absolutely draining.
“That’s how coping with anxiety every day leaves you, tired. Maybe that’s why I don’t have the energy to be social?”
The model describes the situations she dreads because of her illness.
“My anxiety makes me detest surprises, unexpected visits, disrupted plans and silences in groups of people.
“It makes me rather walk an extra half a mile to avoid speaking to someone I know that I just seen in the street because I would rather die than have unexpected conversation.
Ashleigh Coyle (centre) modelling at Belfast Fashion Week
“I’m very conscious of embarrassing my loved ones, which results in me feeling uncomfortable when surrounded by ‘their’ people.
“This often leads to me needing a lot of encouragement before turning up at an event that is not filled with my friends, family, colleagues or industry people.
“Trust me when I say, my anxiety does not make me worry about people liking me, I do not give a sh!t if I am liked. Being realistic why should I care about you liking me? Sadly most of you don’t even like yourselves.”
She continued: “Dealing with the anxiety is hard, sometimes harder than coping with the panic attacks – then again, sometimes not. Trying to explain a panic or anxiety attack to someone who’s never had or witnessed one is difficult.
“Do you ever have the sharpest pains in your stomach or heave because you need to vomit but nothing comes up but the burning in your throat is still there?
“Have you ever been shivering so badly because you feel your blood is the temperature of ice but are sweating due to the speed of your heart? Do you know how it feels to have your chest feel so tight because of the intense pounding of your heart or when you’re so dizzy, your eyesight is blurry?
“Surely you know how it feels for your head to go so light you feel you’re about to faint? Have you ever felt the walls in a room are coming in on top of you and not being able to breathe because of this?
“Well, imagine all of the above happening at the one time. Most people’s worst nightmare. ‘ Calm down, just control it ’, you say? I’m in as much control over this as I am over stopping the rain.”
Ashleigh goes on to explain why telling an anxiety sufferer to simply ‘calm down’ is not helpful.
She said: “I’m starting to accept it, be open about it and talk about it which helps.
“The stress of trying to beat it isn’t there anymore but I do have days where I am angry because I can’t control it and others where I get embarrassed because people think I can ‘just calm down ’.
“Would you tell a blind person to look closer or a deaf person to listen harder? Well telling an anxiety sufferer, they’re over reacting/thinking and they just need to calm down is not an appropriate way to deal with it.”
Ashleigh added: “Anxiety is a vicious circle of isolating yourself but not wanting to be alone. You isolate yourself for many reasons, not wanting to bother people, not wanting to appear like you’re looking for attention and feeling people are looking down on you.
“You feel like people are leaving so you push them away in prevention of being hurt when no one was ever leaving in the first place.
“Why are you allowed to openly say that you have a headache or a stomach ache or that the arm you broke last week is sore but I’m not allowed to admit that today my anxiety is making me feel vulnerable?”
The Big Brother star says she’s lucky to have her family and her beloved dog Gucci to help her through the tough times.
“I’m lucky though, I have friends who still love me, my stepfather makes me laugh every day I speak to him.
“My little brother is making me more and more proud as he gets older every day, my boyfriend has the patience of a saint and helps me through everything big or small despite what he has to do, my mammy is the definition of a best friend, sister and mother in one who can distract me from my thoughts and of course Gucci solves everything with a cuddle.
“We can no longer complain about the stigma regarding mental health, if we who suffer do not speak openly about our suffering and force those who don’t understand, to learn.”
